June 2005     

Sawdust & Splinters...

Fish Screams & Possum Drops!

By Douglas E. Carlson

PETA, People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, remains the quintessential liberal radical activist group, if only for the fact that they have developed the irrational thought to an art. I grew up in the country, where nature had us surrounded, it was also an agricultural county, where the dairy cow was even honored with names like Bossy or Elvira. In that world of nature, life and death are considered real, as well as inevitable. Animals were treated in a manner suited to their existence. We always had a dog as a pet and I spent many hours with Taffy, roaming the woods. Seeing the dance of life and death from a country perspective, taught lessons that I can't shake.

I first came into contact with the PETA brain in college. I attended a geology field camp outside of Dubois, Wyoming, in 1973. Students from all over the country attended, kids from both country and city backgrounds. Around the "dude ranch" we lived in were rocks, and those rocks were the home of something we were told were "picket pins." It was a little critter what looked like a cross between a rat and a squirrel, but with a high squeaky call. Al, a guy in our cabin and pitcher for his college team, amused himself after our days in the field, pitching rocks at the "pins." I never saw him hit one, honest! It was funny, though, 'course what isn't funny when one relaxes with coke spiked with a little whiskey? I digress.

Strewn around the yard were metal irrigation pipes. One day, we heard a lot of barking from the ranch dogs, and looked out to find a dog going from end to end on one of those pipes, barking. People began gathering around the yard, and soon it was discovered that a "picket pin" had dodged the dog by hiding in a pipe. Someone thought that picking up the pipe was a good idea, and so they did, out shot the "picket pin." A fur ball scuttled through, around and under the feet of about 20 students, with one of the girls stepping on it. The animal's back was broken, and it writhed on the ground in horrible pain. Being a country kid, I knew what to do. I grabbed the animal and broke its neck, putting it down, and out of pain. Well, the city kids went ballistic. I was branded as evil, a killer, and some other things I won't repeat. I mistakenly tried to reason with the madding crowd, but to no avail. Needless to say, this incident destroyed my chances of ever getting anywhere with any one of the five women attending the field camp. It was so bad, that the one gay guy wouldn't even talk to me. PETA thinking prevailed.

Last year, President Jimmy ("I be smiling!") Carter told Jay Leno about getting a fishing lure embedded in his face, and that it hurt, by golly! PETA, never to miss a chance (or cheap shot) jumps on it, and cries for Carter to give up fishing. After all, fish have feelings too. PETA wants Carter to show empathy to the fish. "Mr. President, please think like a fish, and imagine how it must feel with a hook in its jaw. It is just like when you had to have the bodyguard yank the lure out of your face." We are left wondering if fish scream as loud as Jimmy did when the lure was removed? Can we expect reasonable, logical thought from a group that encourages an ex-president to think like a fish? Out of control, that's what I think.

Brasstown, North Carolina, has a unique way of bringing in the New Year; they hold a Possum Drop, just like the ball dropping in the Big Apple. They have a possum in a cage tied to a rope and pulley system up a poll. Come 11:59 pm, they lower the possum to celebrate the New Year.

I have a friend that attended this year's event, who told me of the event. It seems that some animal rights activists took issue with the event, and decided to release the possum prior to the celebration. Well, they bungled the "great escape." The rope got away from them, and the possum really did drop, landing with a bang and jolt. Could have killed the critter, but didn't, the possum being what a possum is; dull, durable and, now, dented. The townspeople recovered, restrung the rope and cage, and proceeded with the event anyway. I heard of no charges being filed, but am left wondering, is there an intelligence test demanded prior to PETA membership, and if not, shouldn't there be? These dedicated activists get their knickers in a twist, act, and then cause more damage than if they'd just stayed home and drawn nice little possum pictures with crayons.

No beef! No milk! No chicken! No honey! No leather! No silk! (Yep, silk comes from silk worms, God's critters too!) No wool! ("Is it me, or are ewe getting hot too?") With PETA, it is a never-ending list of ridiculous things, and getting increasingly more absurd. We can only wonder if PETA members actually believed that Wiley I. Coyote got hurt while chasing the Roadrunner. The real problem with PETA isn't how ridiculous they are, it is how serious they are. PETA is against animal testing. O.K., but didn't animal testing produce the cure for polio, aid in the discovery and use of penicillin, aid in development of AIDS and HIV drugs, cancer drugs, and aid in the development of vaccines for measles, mumps and rabies? Forget rational thinking from these emotionally driven world-class thinkers.

Seriously, PETA has a hard side that is frightening. They gave $45,000 for the defense of a man who bombed a lab that used animals for testing. The PETA director stated that the man was a good man, and a schoolteacher. He needed to be freed, so he could be a productive member of society. While out of jail, the fellow is lecturing, urging folks to do anything, short of killing, to stop the "cruelty" to animals. He urges people to bomb labs, just like he did. In another blow to sanity, PETA's federal income tax form shows a $1,500 cash payment to the "North American Earth Liberation Front," - ELF! PETA also gave $70,400 to convicted arsonist Rodney Colorado. Eco-Terrorism is funded by PETA, pure and simple.

In an effort to fight back, the Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF), recently protested (just like those folks in PETA) a New York City bookstore that sponsored the appearance of PETA president, Ingrid Newkirk. Protesters dressed as oversized fake gasoline cans and giant matches. CCF told Fox News, "PETA has actually put money in the pockets of organizations like the Animal Liberation Front and the Earth Liberation Front, which burn down buildings, issue death threats, beat people with baseball bats, and have earned their spot as domestic terror groups in the FBI's list."

Growing up I the country provided a backdrop of natural reality. The law of the jungle is "Eat or be eaten." It is cruel, from our human perspective, but it pales against the cruelty we practice on each other. Where is PETA, while thousands of unborn babies are killed each year? Not a peep. Maybe, convicted PETA members should be subjected to watching hours of movies showing killer whales tossing bloody seals in the surf, lions holding onto the throat of a zebra, and the family cat torturing a captured mouse in the den. What a world - where animals are equal to, or better, than human beings - and morality is driven by pure emotion, devoid of logic, practiced by radical activists, and funded by my sympathetic grandmother. There's only one thing I can think of to do, I'll go fishing and watch the fish scream, if only I can get them on the hook, that is! I was more comfortable when PETA was just a kind of dull bread.

Douglas E. Carlson is the Executive Director of the Conservation District Planning Department, Forest County, PA, and is a founding member of the Allegheny Forest Alliance.